The Xmen Present: Thumbelina
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of Thumbelina, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.
1. Thumbelina

**AN: **

There's been a change in plans. I finished writing _The Chase_, but I wasn't very happy with the end result. Fortunately, a friend of mine agreed to beta it for me. We're only a couple of chapters in, but I'm finally getting excited about it again. I'll post it when it's ready.

Instead of _The Chase_, the next chapter fic I'll be posting will be _Don't Ruin the Upholstery #5_, currently untitled. I'm working on the last couple of chapters now, and it should be ready for posting soonish.

On a side note, I recently (as in yesterday) created a page for myself – Chellerbelle - on Facebook. If you're interested in liking it, you'll be kept up to date on my writing (because that's one of my favourite things to talk about, haha) and I will occasionally post excerpts from whatever story I happen to be working on at the time, probably funny dialogue. I promise I'll keep the spoilers down.

_Thumbelina_ was requested by:

DevilishBea-Anime-Couple-Lover  
>IceSiren89<br>Mystique84  
>Looneybluey ()<br>Southern Belle ()

* * *

><p>There was once a man named Jean-Luc who longed to have a child. One day he visited a witch, Tante Mattie, who sold him a special seed.<p>

* * *

><p>"What I don't get is why mon père didn't just pick up some stray kid off the street," Gambit said. "Or knock up a hooker or something."<p>

"Maybe he's impotent," Rogue suggested.

"Hey!" Jean-Luc objected.

"Hmm, that explains why Henri doesn't have any blood-related siblings," Gambit said mischievously. "He has no more 'special seeds' of his own."

"That's gross," said Kitty.

* * *

><p>Jean-Luc took the seed home and planted it immediately. He took very good care of it, and eventually the seed began to grow into a beautiful flower. One day the petals opened and inside Jean-Luc found a little boy only as tall as his thumb. He named him Remy.<p>

Remy was very kind and handsome. He liked to play and laugh and sing.

* * *

><p>"You forgot 'and steal shiny things'," Kitty said with a giggle.<p>

"And 'stand in front of the mirror primping himself,'" Scott added.

"How would you know what I do in front of the mirror?" Gambit asked. "Have you been spying on me?"

* * *

><p>Now it happened one day that Remy was outside, enjoying the sun, when he was spotted by a toad named Warren. When Warren saw Remy, he decided that Remy would make a perfect husband for his daughter, Jean.<p>

Warren kidnapped Remy while he was asleep, and took him back to his home.

* * *

><p>"I'm in shock," said Warren. "I'm not playing a bird."<p>

"I don't think you're old enough to be my dad though," said Jean.

* * *

><p>"Jean! I have a surprise for you," Warren said as he placed Remy down on the bed. "Meet your new groom."<p>

Jean was so taken by Remy's beauty that all she could do was croak.

* * *

><p>Gambit fluttered his eyelids. "I'm a dreamboat."<p>

"I think Remy as Thumbelina was a bad idea," Rogue said after giving her boyfriend a long look.

* * *

><p>Soon, Remy awoke and was quite frightened to find himself in a strange place. He was most upset at the very idea of being forced to marry Jean, and was even more upset about being taken away from his home. Warren decided that the best way to deal with it was to leave him alone until he got used to the idea.<p>

So Remy was left on a lily pad on the river while the toads took off. He was very unhappy with the whole situation, but could find no way to get to shore, let along get home again, wherever that was.

Fortunately, the fishes in the river decided that Remy was far too handsome to be forced to be Jean's husband, so they ate away at the stem of the lily pad until it was freed, and the lily pad drifted down river.

* * *

><p>"I was rescued by fishes," Gambit said.<p>

"It would seem so," said Rogue.

"Who are the fishes?" asked Bobby.

**Umm... it's a school of Jamies.**

"Yay!" Jamie said.

* * *

><p>Now it happened that a beetle, Kitty, spotted Remy and she was immediately taken with his rugged good looks. She decided that she wanted to stay with him, and that she would always love him, so she stole him away, saying all the nicest things to him all the while. Remy was too shy to reply.<p>

* * *

><p>Rogue laughed very, very hard.<p>

"What's so funny?" Gambit asked.

"You being too shy to reply when a girl's hitting on you," Rogue replied, wiping tears from her eyes.

* * *

><p>"I shall go now," said Kitty. "But I'll be back with all my friends. I want them to see what a lovely groom I have found."<p>

So Kitty departed, and then soon returned with her friends and family. But they didn't think Remy was good looking at all.

"Look, he only has two legs!"

"And no feelers."

* * *

><p>"Oh don't you worry," Gambit said with a perfectly straight face. "I have plenty of feelers."<p>

Rogue groaned.

"What? I thought you liked my feelers."

* * *

><p>Kitty tried to tell them they were wrong, but eventually she came to see Remy as they did, and decided she'd made a foolish mistake. Still she didn't wish him any harm, so she found a nice safe place in the forest to leave him.<p>

"Well," Remy said to himself, "at least this time I'm not stuck on a river."

Remy started walking. He had no idea which way would lead to home, but he couldn't just stay where he was. Thus he walked, with the occasional stop to rest his legs or to eat something from the forest around him. He would drink the dew from the leaves in the morning, and sleep under them at night. Summer turned to autumn, and as the world around him became colder, Remy despaired of ever getting home again.

Remy was in the middle of a field when the first snow came. Shivering with the cold, it was pure luck that brought him across a little door. He knocked as hard as he could, and before too long it was opened by a field mouse, Logan.

"My, oh my, what do we have here? Come in dearie, you must be freezing," said Logan, insistently tugging Remy inside.

And so Logan took Remy in, and warmed him up and fed him. When Remy was restored to health, Logan told him he could stay all winter as long as he helped to keep the place clean and tidy. Remy readily accepted, and over meals they would share stories with each other.

* * *

><p>"Manly stories," Gambit said. "Tales of adventure and blood shed. And explosions. Lots of explosions."<p>

"Better idea," said Logan. "Let's get Nick Fury and Beast here over for a game of poker."

"Great. I'll bring the cards, you supply the beer."

* * *

><p>"My friend, Mystique, will be coming to visit tonight," Logan said presently. "You must make sure that the house is especially clean today, and tonight you must tell your best stories."<p>

So Remy was extra diligent in his cleaning, and that night, the mole, Mystique, joined them for dinner. Remy shared some stories, although Mystique was quite disparaging about the sun.

* * *

><p>"Why is Mystique playing Mr Mole?" Rogue asked.<p>

"I suspect it has something to do with Foxx," Gambit replied.

"Who?"

"One of Mystique's alter egos from the comicverse. Foxx tried to seduce me in order to break up us," Gambit said with a nod.

Rogue slowly turned her head towards Mystique. Mystique pretended not to notice.

* * *

><p>At her invitation, Remy and Logan went to visit Mystique at her home a few days later. Mystique had previously dug a long tunnel between his place and Logan's and it was while they were walking through this tunnel that they happened upon a swallow, lying injured on the floor.<p>

"She'll be singing no more soon enough," was all Mystique had to say about it. "Stupid birds and all their twittering."

Remy hung back just long enough to check on the swallow, and realise that she was still alive. He left her with a promise that he'd return.

True to his word, after enduring Mystique's company in her ghastly dark home, Remy returned to the swallow with a blanket and food. Every day he came to see her and nurse her back to health. He learned her name was Storm.

Eventually Storm was well enough to fly again, but just before she left, she offered to take Remy with her.

"No, I couldn't," he replied. "Logan has been so good to me, I don't think I could just up and leave him like this."

So Storm left without him.

* * *

><p>"Aww it's a true bromance," Kitty said, clasping her hands together by her cheek.<p>

"Actually I just didn't want to give up the poker games," Gambit said.

* * *

><p>Now it happened that Mystique had taken a liking to Remy, and after discussing the matter with Logan, she decided she would take Remy to be her husband. Remy was not at all happy about this when Logan told him.<p>

"But I don't want to marry her!" Remy protested.

"Why ever not? She's rich and smart, so what if she's blind? That's all the better," Logan said.

"But... but..."

"I cook for you, I clean for you, and this is how you repay me?"

* * *

><p>"Wait, wasn't part of the deal that Remy did the cleaning?" asked Rogue.<p>

**You know what Logan's memory is like. Besides "I took you in out of the cold, I cook for you," just doesn't have the same ring to it.**

* * *

><p>In the end, Remy agreed to marry Mystique. Wedding plans were made and as the day grew closer, Remy was filled with dread. On the day of the wedding, Mystique told Remy that he could go outside and have one last look at the sun he loved so much, for once they were wed, he would never go outside again.<p>

Remy went outside, and realised with a lightened heart that winter had passed and spring had come again. It was no longer cold and there was new life everywhere. He spread his arms and danced, lapping up the warmth and the light.

* * *

><p>"The hiilllllls are aliiiiiive with the sound of muuuusic!" Gambit sang.<p>

"Your impersonation of Maria both amuses and disturbs me," said Rogue.

* * *

><p>"Hello there, Remy," called Storm, as she flew down beside him.<p>

"Why hello Storm," Remy replied, racing over to her to give her a hug. "How are you?"

"Never better, thanks to you. I certainly hope that field mouse appreciates you."

And so Remy told her about how this was his wedding day, and that Mystique was giving him this last opportunity to go outside.

"But why should it be your last?" Storm asked. "You need not return to her. Indeed, you shouldn't; you don't belong in that dark place any more than I do. Climb on my back and I will take you away from here."

* * *

><p>"And that's another undesired wedding escaped," said Gambit. "Good thing too. I was starting to have flashbacks to Bella Donna."<p>

"Plus the idea of you and Mystique getting together is messed up," said Rogue.

"Don't need to tell me twice."

* * *

><p>Remy climbed onto Storm's back and they flew away towards the trees by the lake where Storm and her kin had their nests.<p>

"You cannot live with me," Storm said. "My nest will not be comfortable for you. You should pick one of those flowers."

Remy looked at all the flowers below, and picked the most beautiful flower he could see. Storm flew him down, but as he stepped onto the broad leaf, a beautiful winged woman appeared.

"Greetings," she said. "I am Queen Rogue. What brings you to my home?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Remy replied. "My name is Remy. I was looking for a new home. I didn't realise this was yours. I'll go –"

"No, no," Rogue said. "You may stay with me."

So Remy did. Remy and Rogue were soon married, and for a wedding present, he received a pair of wings.

* * *

><p><strong>The end.<strong>

"That's all we need," said Logan. "Gambit with wings."

"I can fly!" Gambit declared.

"Have you been hitting the sugar?"

"That depends. What have you been feeding me, Mrs Field Mouse?"


	2. The Audition Tapes

**The Audition Tapes**

I had a hard time deciding on my cast for this story. I came up with eight different line-ups, but Gambit's was not only the funniest, but it had the only cast I was 100% happy with. Still, I did have a few fun moments for the other characters. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>Logan, auditioning for Thumbelina:<strong>

Logan was very kind and handsome. He liked to play and laugh and sing.

**"**_I've been to cities that never close down,  
>From New York to Rio and old London town,<br>But no matter how far or how wide I roam,  
>I still call Australia home," <em>Logan sang as he danced.

"Uhh," Gambit piped up. "Aren't you from Canada? What are you doing? Channelling Hugh Jackman?"

**Gambit, this isn't your audition.**

* * *

><p><strong>Rogue, auditioning for Thumbelina,<br>Kitty, auditioning for Mrs Field Mouse,  
>Magneto, auditioning for Mr Mole:<strong>

Rogue, Kitty and Magneto are sitting around the dining table in Mrs Field Mouse's home.

"...and then the prince said to the princess," Rogue said, then looked at Magneto, "Would you stop leering at me, Magneto? It's creepy."

"I apologise. I was just... getting into character."

* * *

><p><strong>Rogue, auditioning for Thumbelina,<br>Gambit, auditioning for the King of the Flowers,  
>Guest starring Carol Danvers:<strong>

"Congratulations my king on your marriage," said Carol.

"Thank you, Carol," Gambit replied.

"Now, I understand you can't fly?" Carol asked Rogue.

"Uhh, well, no, I can't," Rogue replied.

"Here," Carol said, holding out her hands. "Allow me to give you the gift of flight."

* * *

><p><strong>Jean, auditioning for Swallow:<strong>

Jean picked herself up off the floor of the tunnel, recently restored to health:

"I...am...Phoenix!"

* * *

><p><strong>Mystique, auditioning for Toad's Mother,<br>Toad, auditioning for Toad,  
>Wanda, auditioning for Thumbelina:<strong>

"Todd! I have a surprise for you," Mystique said as she placed Wanda down on the bed. "Meet your new bride."

"Baby cakes!" Toad exclaimed, and pounced on Wanda.

"Eeee!" Wanda objected, her eyes flying open. "Get off me!"

* * *

><p><strong>Wanda, auditioning for Thumbelina,<br>Rogue, auditioning for Mrs Field Mouse:**

And so Rogue took Wanda in, and warmed her up and fed her. When Wanda was restored to health, Rogue told her she could stay all winter as long as she helped to keep the place clean and tidy. Wanda readily accepted, and over meals they would share stories with each other.

"I picked up this really good trashy romance novel the other day that I'm sure you'll love," Rogue said. "You have to read it."

"Great," Wanda replied.

"What you reading trashy romance novels for, chère, when you have me?" Gambit asked from the sidelines.

**Gambit, this isn't your audition.**

Rogue looked Gambit over.

"Good point," she said dryly. "Why would I want to read something trashy, when I have you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Warren, auditioning for Swallow,<br>Deadpool, auditioning for Mr Mole:**

"Stupid birds and all their twittering," said Deadpool as he pulled out his guns. "Eat lead bird-boy."

"Ow! Hey!" Warren objected.

**Sigh. Wade, what have I told you about bringing guns on set? Thank goodness for Warren's healing blood...**

* * *

><p><strong>Gambit, auditioning for Mrs Field Mouse:<strong>

Gambit stood in the kitchen wearing a frilly pink apron and brandishing a rolling pin.

"I cook for you, I clean for you," he said dramatically, "and this is how you repay me?"

* * *

><p><strong>Jamie, auditioning for the fishes:<strong>

Multiple Jamies put their mouths up to the glass window and made fish-faces.

"Blub-blub," they said in chorus.

* * *

><p><strong>Tabitha, auditioning for Thumbelina,<br>Pietro, auditioning for Beetle:**

So Pietro departed, and then soon returned with his friends and family. But they didn't think Tabitha was beautiful at all.

"Look, she only has two legs and no feelers."

"So thin! Why her waist goes right in."

"Haters," said Tabitha grumpily, crossing her arms.

* * *

><p><strong>Logan, Gambit, Nick Fury, Beast and Deadpool auditioning for... actually I have no idea:<strong>

In Mrs Field Mouse's home, the five men are gathered around the dining table with beer, cigars and playing cards.

"Raise ya one-fifty," said Logan.

"I'll see that," Beast said.

"Likewise," added Gambit.

There was a long pause.

"Wade?" Nick Fury asked. "You in?"

Deadpool sighed dramatically.

"No, I fold," he said as he pulled out one of his katanas. "But next round I want to cut the deck."


End file.
